Uyy! Blooming!

I spent my Friday night like I ususally do, with co-workers in our favorite place. A stone's throw away from our nice office. My friend joined us for a beer just to unwind. She had met my co-workers before and mentioned to me after that one of them is really blooming...I think she is too...and she happens to be (in my opinion), in love! There's a new man in her life who is just making her glow everyday. I'm really happy for her.

Saturday was pretty laid back. It was the first day of a long weekend and I spent it relaxing at home. I wanted to run some errands and maybe have my nails done, but ended up horizontal for the most part of the day. SSDD donor called me, semi asking for help and company for some errands. I politely said no, as I was getting ready to hear mass. He hinted that he might drop by after, and I said I wouldn't be home, as I had an exhibit opening to attend. Thank God.

It wasn't hard to say no. I used to be incapable of saying no to SSDD donor. I would re-arrange my whole schedule just to accomodate him. I realized this after I said no last Saturday -- he never used to do that for me. I mean, if his schedule allowed it, then he would accomodate me, I on the other hand, would bend over backwards jsut to accomodate him. It wasn't fair, but I'm not really counting. I'm not the type who will only give the same amount i get back -- I give to those i want to give to, no matter if they give back. But this time, I think saying no was not so bad. It wasn't a life threatening situation, and I really did have other plans. And besides, the goal is to have different shit anyway, so I wasn't going to achieve that by falling off track and succumbing to his charm.

I went to the first exhibit of a batchmate of mine -- her medium was oil on canvass. GORGEOUS. Beautiful. So nice and so inspired and "buyable". I was very very impressed with her work...really. The paintings were described as inspired by her recent travels around South East Asia -- the real story is, she was inspired by her new boyfriend who she met in one of her trips. Really happy for her...and her inspiration showed in all of her pieces. I can't say enough good things about them...

I went to the exhibit with another batchmate -- a good friend who I haven't seen in ages. I made it a point to catch up with her, as I have been an absentee friend. I was happy to see her again, and even happier to find that the old her --- the we all love, is back! She disapperaed for a while -- got lost in her duties as wife and mother and all the problems that go with her roles. She has now resurfaced and perky as ever! Thank God. We've allmissed her.

Sunday was dedicated solely for the game -- it was game day Sunday and it would be the first I would watch live this season. I brought my brother with the extra ticket i got, and I was at my element. I would have awarded myself heckler of the game if there were such a thing. I was "inspired" by this #^&*(#!( rookie who was a little too cocky considering HE'S A ROOKIE and his team was going against a so-far undefeated team with all veterans in the quad. How dare he trash talk one of them...I could almost read his lips (yes, I had great seats). And that did it, I picked on him non-stop and called him a choker -- and choke he did! HAHAHAHAHA! I was not the best example to a 10 year-old brother with my choice of words...but all is fair in college basketball :) Needless to say, my team won and my brother and I laughed our heads off out of the coliseum. (Intererstingly enough, on the 3rd quarter the dad of SSDD donor sat beside me. How weird is that? Just when you think you've successfully distanced yourself, his father sits beside you andhas a discussion with you in a basketball game. But who cares? We won! We won! We won! 8-0!)

Monday was a holiday. I had no plans, except to escape the house, as my mom's noisy cousins were coming over to talk business...one of their bi-weekly meetings. I nursed my allergy for a bit, and met up with my friend to discuss the itinerary of our upcoming trip. The discussion lasted all of 5 minutes and the rest of the time spent relaxing while drinking coffee on a rainy Monday afternoon.


The Long Weekend was Full of Blooming Things and People:
1. My Co-Woker - literally physically blooming because she's in love (but in denial)
2. My Friend's Career as an Artist - Inpired Pieces with the help of new found love
3. My Friend's Motherly Instincts - she will finally use them on her biological child (and not on immature friends like me) -- she's expetcing!!! :)
4. My Buddy's Love Life - After a series of many many many dates -- he believes he has found the one who will make him happy :)
5. Me- for blooming out of his shadows, no longer sitting around and waiting & believing that that life is the one I want and all I'll ever have.
6. My Life - Apparently, I do have one. I am not just here for me and SSDD. There's so many other different shit to touch!
7. My Team - the impending Champions of season 68

:D

Light & Easy

I spent a good part of yesterday afternoon in the mall -- yes, in the mall again. Worked for the most part, but upon receiving an unexpected call from main SSDD donor, I realized I had something more important to do-- watch college basketball on tv.

First on SSDD donor...it's been a week since we last spoke and not a peep since. I couldn't really figure out if we were fighting or not...all i knew is, from my end, I was cleaning up my act, and thankfully there were no additional hurdles in the form of surprise appearances in my house, calls, invitations, texts, email...nothing from SSDD donor since the call I missed last Friday and nothing to make it harder for me to resist temptation.

But yesterday, when I received the call, the tone from the other end was different, like, uncomfortable. And the first line was: "Hi, umm...are you watching basketball?" And that was that...the surprise in receiving the call and thinking of what to say disappeared completely -- there's a game on now! How could I forget?! He asked a couple of questions, and so did I -- had to ask something that my mom wanted me to ask and ended the call.

I immediately imposed on my co-workers -- we're eating in Friday's and we're watching the game now! I had missed the entire first half by that time so we had to rush. And to my delight, after heart-pounding action, my team won by a hairline...whew! thank God! Still a clean slate!

I then enjoyed the rest of the evening unwinding with a couple of co-workers who I must say really put up with my psycho-fan mode -- I am deeply thankful. After his 8th Red Horse and slightly slurring, my co-worker finally brought me home. I was pleased with how the day went.

As I promised my friend, I would try to get my daily enlightenment by hearing mass, which I did during lunch...I workded for a bit, cheered for my team and watched them win and went home with a very full stomach and pleasant disposition.

I don't know about the coming days, especially this long weekend, but today, I was not feeling as empty. Yesterday, I was reminded to forgive...so I decided right then and there, okay SSDD donor, I forgive you. I forgive you for probably unknowingly using me, making me your safety net, making me your meantime girl / last option if all else fails, for not giving me the love and care that I deserve -- but then again, perhaps you are really not a viable source of this love and care. In any case, I forgive you. And I too would like to be forgiven. I really hope everything will turn out for the best for everybody with this move of mine.

Today has been pretty "serious" considering how the previous days have been...I had one of those record-long meetings from 10AM to 230PM. I am counting the minutes to get my daily dose of spiritual enlightenment and I'm off to TGIF happy hor with my girls. Looks like its going to be a light and pleasant day and night as well :)

Happy Pills

I had an unexpectedly busy day yesterday. I was both working and playing. Got an "SOS" call from a friend who needed immediate distraction from life's evil temptations and ofcourse I tried to come to the rescue--pay it forward, as she has rescued my many times before too. So I left the office immediately after an important meeting and declared field work for the rest of the day. And it's official, girls will be girls. These little bouts of depression and weakness can always be temporarily solved by really good comfort food a shopping spree! It was actually fun and exhausting. We spent 4 hours in the mall like a couple of High Schoolers not knowing what to do with their parents' money. We were both excited to go home and star in our very own fashion show with no audience.

Then I get a call from another friend who i SMS'd just to say hi. We met up with him later last night just to catch up. Its been a while since we last saw him and he filled us in on the many things going on in his life -- and o, there are so many things going on in his life...but he is such a comic that I was in tears laughing at all his funny stories. It was a light and happy day with friends -- my natural happy pills. I failed to tell them last night, that just by being themselves...they made me very happy. When I thought I was providing the "distraction" and assistance, I too was being assisted.

I promised my guidance councilor/therapist/conscience/Singapore-based friend that i would start hearing mass daily, starting yesterday. She says I should just try it, see what it does for me, as it did wonders for her. And on right on the first day I fail to do it...but not for no reason I think. But I'm still going to try to do it M, I'll just do it during lunch when I have more control of my time and resources.

Since i made the difficult decision to really "clean up my act" -- (which was not too long ago), the mental lulls have been not that easy to deal with ...so many thoughts, sadness, wanting to forget or push aside, but I'm glad to notice that I was never tempted to go back to my bad old ways...to the same shit I've been in for years. The level of difficulty in dealing with it varies each day, but yesterday, i breezed through it, as I popped a couple of happy pills -- my friends.

Try and Try Until I Die

I wanted to spend my hard earned money on really cheap jeans and maybe shoes. I’ve lost some weight since the last time I bought jeans and they have all become ill fitting. And being the creature of habit that I am…I really wasn’t sure what brand to get, since I wanted REALLY cheap ones. I was thrilled to find half priced jeans that fit soo well! I’ve been wearing really loose ones for the past 10 months. I therefore conclude, if it ‘aint a perfect fit…don’t wear it. – this applies to my jeans and my life.

My weight has gone down and up again for the past 8 years now and I noticed that I have managed to keep it off for a while without much effort this time. It really pays off to try and try until you succeed AND are able to sustain. There will always be occasional slip ups, but one must try again, and even harder.

I suppose this is what I’m trying to apply to my personal/social/love life now. I was so tempted to watch life pass me by again tonight but opted not to, since I’m really making a career out of this “life-changing” phase. Normally, I would enjoy my alone time, and maybe (if we were still talking – by the way, we haven’t since Friday) quality time with almost 14-year SSDD donor to cap the night or watch Law & Order or CSI.

But tonight, despite a slightly spent body, I decided to drop by a friend’s café/bar upon his invitation. Apparently, there was a small event in the place. I would’ve gone on my own if my buddy didn’t decide to drop by himself. I was thinking, there’s a better chance for me to meet the man of my dreams there, or maybe see, smell, eat something interesting than in my room while watching dvd’s right?

…Well, not quite. The chances there were slim too…but it was still a conscious effort to go “against the grain” even if watching CSI seasons 1 to 5 with no advertisements was so tempting…

My buddy who had recently broken up has also been “trying” – he has probably gone out on 10 first dates in 3 weeks (that’s got to be some sort of record) and thinks he might’ve found the one he could date exclusively this very day!

You really never know… But what I do know is, for as long as I still have this particular goal in my head, I should and will always try until I get what I want (and sooo need) and then sustain. I’ll just think of my buddy-boy who found his match after 10 first dates in 3 weeks. If I slip up, I’ll try again. The search for different shit is still on -- despite a huge lack of resources by the way...it is awwwn!

Calls, Texts and Instant Messages

I got sick over the weekend. I hardly ever get sick -- unless it's a migraine or a hangover or a cold...and maybe every 2 years, an asthma attack. But last weekend, I got an upset stomach. I ate something exotic Friday night and I felt it all throughout the night, and the full effect Saturday night. It was really really bad. Ofcourse I managed to convince my mom not to take me to the hospital and eased my pain by lying on my stomach and drinking lots and lots of water -- what do you know! I drank water!

My friend always teases me and says that if someone punctured my body, Coke would come out instead of blood. I computed my monthly consumption of Coke, and I spend P1,800 monthly on Coke alone...Coca Cola I mean. That is an addiction I really need to reconsider -- it ain't cheap!

I got a call from Singapore-based best friend last night. It was about half an hour's worth of updates on each other's lives. Nice talk. She's fully aware of my situation now and made me more aware that there are worse problems in life.

I continue to get inspirational texts messages. Its like occassional excerpts from self-help books. Good for the soul. I am actually more okay than not. It just gets a little lonely from time to time. A bit frustrating too, when I find myself doing nothing, and I sometimes think that time is ticking away...I should be feeling happy now and time is lost in doing nothing, feeling nothing. Complacent.

I attempted to start deciding on what to bring for my upcoming trip to Vietnam...what to wear? Is it style before comfort? I know the weather is not far from Manila weather, but its Fall season...so I need fall colors! O, the the issues I decide to blow out of proportion! I must be really bored. I ended up falling asleep though (after I tried all my swimsuits in anticipation of a possible surfing expedition within the month -- YACK! Cellulite city. Okay, TMI.)

YM-ing now with a former co-worker and shared my girly bullshit. He said a very nice, yet highly optimistic, almost unrealistic message saying in effect "Madali lang yan, okay lang yan...it won't be hard for you..." NOT!!!!

Got a YM invite by the perrennial houseguest today too. I haven't heard from him since I my great escape last Friday. I can't help but wonder what's up, but appreciate the fact that there has been some distance. Never knew this person to be dense anyway.

The storm has weathered in the office. All is well and peaceful. Its time to hit the malls again and charge my transpo! The mall-rat is back!

On Staying the Course, Paranoia and Great Escapes

When I started to chronicle my thoughts and feelings I had only one motivation, inspired by only one catalyst. Only on my 3rd entry and 5th day trying, did I feel the sting that wasn’t there when I was so driven to achieve my goal. Its not easy to turn your back on something or someone you have made a part of your routine – because, well, it’s home.

I got side tracked for a few days because of work – apparently, I actually do work! For a while there, I thought I was getting paid to take off from the office and hit the nearest mall to hang out and charge my transportation. I haven’t been using my left brain for a while, so I had to scrape off all the rust and get back on track.

I studied so much for a meeting with the MD, GM & FC that I felt like I was going to Philo orals again – only this time, I actually did understand what I was studying and simply not memorizing!

In between that, I forced a friend into scoring me tickets to a bunch of basketball games. Despite my being the “bad luck girl” this year (with my Samba Boys losing – and not even making the semis, and Red Bull finishing second), I feel I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t show my support to my all time favorite team in my all time favorite league of my all-time favorite sport.

I also entertained my perennial houseguest (a contributing factor to my SSDD feelings) with the same level of hosting/spoiling. This is something we have both become accustomed to through the years and in my effort to make my quest a personally convincing decision…I really wanted to do it on my own…unwavering, despite all the distractions and temptations. I succeeded that night, as I actually declined an invitation to catch a foreign concert for free. It was not easy. That was another first for me. But hey, it was a big step to self-actualization! J

As it turned out though, I was worrying about my “Philo Orals” for nothing. All that studying was totally unnecessary. I already knew the things I needed to know, without having to put in all the time I did. All that paranoia for nothing. But I am so glad it’s over. I can get back to my real life now.

I played pool for the first time. Needless to say, my pointing, hitting and shooting skills were nothing to brag about. It was nice of my buds to get make sure I was out of the house on a Friday night. My usual TGIF happy hour work buddies are out of the country so I found myself available right after work. I really wanted to break the cycle of having the “houseguest” over on post-happy hour Friday night, so I did something for the first time! I find that I like doing things for the first time J I used to have a list of 25 things to do before I die (I have to edit the list though, since watching Michael Jordan play live is out of the question).

So I got this message last night, after I successfully avoided the houseguest. What is it supposed to mean, when everything pointed out in this message (for me) is referring to only one person and my life, also the sender of the message? Is it an apology? Or, wala lang?

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll fight with your best friend, you’ll blame a new love for things an old one did, you’ll cry because time passing too fast and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

We had a spat last Tuesday. It was a screaming match, but I was not the one attacking. There had been a series of apologies after that, and they were actually not necessary – just an eye opener on my part. Made me stick by my decision even more. But I suppose my continuing to be cordial and accommodating did not mask the fact that I actually was leaving some distance between us since then.
Today is yet another test. It is a Saturday. Its our day (well, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays are our days really….). But it is the first one since the big decision. I am catching a matinee dance show with a friend – another first. Tonight, is another story. We’ll see again.

Boy am I anxious to meet someone new. My world and the people around it has not changed much in years. That can’t be good right? I see people who made a total 180 degree, I see people who have kept their past and have added to their present…me? Its still the same shit. Im working on the activities category, but I also want to add to the people category – to gain 1 new, true friend every month or 2…and hopefully someone I can be more than friends with, will surface. Is that even possible at this age?

Work Shit (again), Scoring Low in the Flirt-O-Meter and Surfing!

I'm still in the office and I'm not used to staying a minute past 5:30...'tis really the season to panic! My co-worker was in the "oven" for 3.5 hours. Geez! At least I can get all the coaching from those who've gone through their business review...

I like my job. It evolved into something bigger a few months ago, and I'd like to think I, that since then, I have evolved into being "queen" of my own...queendom (?) -- as opposed to sharing it with a counterpart like before. Lucky for me, my queendom now is the richest and prettiest among all in the Company I work for. Its very high profile, as it is high volume.

But now, there is reason to believe / speculate, that come the dreaded roasting day, I may have to relinquish my crown as queen of my 1 queendom, to be half-queen of 3 queendoms. Feeling as I am, I believe it may be due to the poor performance of the other queen...hence, I'll have to dip my finger into her business in my area of expertise, and will give half of my jurisdiction to even things up.

Different Shit Discovery for the Day:
Today was almost completely dedicated to worrying about what is to become of me at work...but not the whole day was wasted... It started on an optimistic note, as I prepared for a meeting with a hunkadoodlebadoodle. I couldn't figure out if I had a crush on him before, but it is official, he's a hottie! I went to the venue thinking...okay, I'm going to try to make this a more personal relationship-- take it to even the minutest next level. I think i did. But I also realized that I AM SO RUSTY. Or, that I never had it in me! Well, whatever. I tried. I'll see him again next week. We'll see how things go.

And as for last night's get together with buddy...it was really really nice. I haven't seen this friend of mine in weeks (and we used to see each other at least once a week). And he had so many updates...I found myself,for a split second, living vicariously through his highly exciting life! He went through a rough time a few months back, and I am just thrilled that he's doing so well now.

We went to another friend's cafe and hung out...I really like that place because it's just so "chill" -- it's quaint and cute and very much like Cheers. I got to reconnect with 2 other people i've been dissing during my complacent-idiot-wtihout-knowing-it phase and they gave me the best news...there is a strong possibility we might go surfing this month! I've never tried it, but always wanted to. I'm not very athletic, but perform best in water sports (because I don't feel my icky sweat). I even had a dream before that on my first try, I was able to surf all the way to the beach (uy skilled! In my dreams nga lang...).

So there. I went home happy and buzzed. Yesterday was a great day -- a lot of different shit

I am going home now, to further panic for my roasting Friday and cram a bit. There is a big possibility that I might just fall asleep again.

On to tomorrow's quest!

The 4th of My 9 Lives...

Every 45 days or so, i expend one of my supposed 9 lives as I get roasted in the office for our Business Reviews. Today, I was supposed to expend my 4th. It was delayed yet again (prolong the agony why don't you?). Which is actually good I suppose because I forgot to bring my apple (to put in my mouth as i get lechoned) and I get to have more to review...so now, I write in my brand spanking new blogspot.

By sheer coincidence (as I start my quest to make my life different that it's been for a looooong while...), I decide to go against routine and have dinner with a close girlfriend. I shared my thoughts and realizations for the day (and they were pretty big ones, since I haven't given anything much thought in the past weeks :) and she, as always was a good cheerleader...she is a true believer that hope springs eternal and that we should all invest in good karma (I wonder if I started seriously investing in good karma now, if it will make up for all my since in the past decade...is there hope?).

The night was capped with a different sighting on TV (yes, TV again, I'll just die without it). Girlfriend and i hung out at homefor a bit to catch a friend of ours on TV! We were screaming and cheering as we saw him come out. We finished the show and my girlfirend headed home...I attempted to review for my big meeting. And like clockwork, even as a student, as soon as I decide to study...i doze off...

Woke up early today though -- THAT'S DIFFERENT...Semi panicking for my meeting. Got to work at a decent time and started number crunching. I could say I'm ready, but with this boss, you never really know...

Well, with the meeting being postponed and all, I've decided to turn all my attention to non-work-related matters...what different shit to do...

I was thinking of painting again. I finished 2 oil paintings a couple of months ago. One I gave to my good friend who asked for it. Its now in his office--I'm actually flattered. The other is hanging above my bed.
I'm going to Vietnam for the first time 2 weeks from now, so that's a good, new thing. I'd like to do something a little more aerobic, as I have been quite the lethargic one in recent years (AND I MEAN YEARS!).

As the day ends, I am still thinking...thinking... thinking...meeting up with my buddy later. Maybe he has some good ideas. We shall see...til then, tata for now.

My Maiden Voyage...

For 13 Years, 8 Months and 27 Days...Yes, Its been the same shit.

I am a virgin blogger...I just wanted to post a comment on another blog and voila! Here I am about to pour my innermost thoughts to anyone who cares to read. Today, being a pivotal day of realization would be a good day to start...

I feel like I'm in an AA meeting where they intorduce themselves first and acknowledge that they are alcoholics...so here goes. "Hi, I'm WettyWet and I'm a Complacent Ididot." (Hi WettyWet!)

For 13 Years, 8 Months and 27 Days, I have been addicted to feeling false happiness. I'd have other addicitons on the side during that span of time, but this one has been (and still is) one tough habit to drop. It is so seductive, so attractive...makes you feel inexplicable joy and you wake up the next morning realizing you're still just as lonely, still all alone...who the hell were you kidding...you complacent idiot!

So today, as a tribute to my awakening from an almost 14 year sleep, i will document my progress...Is today SSDD or DSDD? We Shall see, and the quest for different shit begins! Wish me luck! :)