"People, people who need people, are the luckiest people, in the world." - Barbara Streisand

I didn't expect such quick reactions. Thank you to those who were paying attention. My my my...I am touched and truly appreciate the instant response from 66% of my entire audience (okay Mi, can you compute that? hehehe :) I wasn't completely aware of the "whiny bratty tone" I was using as I was typing the previous blog, I was just talking to myself really. But thank you for responding to the KSP. I am no longer KSP for today thanks to you :)

I got an email today, giving me (as always) sound advice, worded ever so carefully and it was all about tips on how I can do something to change my current situation. She's right...people don't know unless you say it, and when you do, allow them to react and not second guess them.

I just realized right now, as in at this moment, that I am so open to my girlfirends at work...to one in particular. No shame at all in sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings. I consider her a dear friend, but not really the first I would invite for a bottle of beer or to watch a movie...in other words, not really barkada, just a very very close firend at work. Why is it, that I can't do the same for the others? Why is it that I feel like what I have to say, I've said to them 10 million times 3 years ago when were in Greenbelt? Its really, seriously the same old thing, the same old probelm in a slightly different form -- and to this day I haven't figured out the solution...Maybe because that is the case. I can't be complaining about this thing again?! Its old news! It is trully the same shit year after year after year. It's so easy to decorate my superficial life with nice trimmings and little activities here and there that make a little more interesting and whole...but in the end...is it really?

I now understand why this guy left me for this nye nye girl years back-- I couldn't figure out why and I always assumed that this guy needed to be needed, and I wasn't giving him that feeling. I was little Miss-Queen -of -the -World -Know -it -All -I -Can- do- it- on- my- own- and- I -am -a -Diva. Yeah right! He knew it all! He knew it 8 years before I figured it out. People need people.

My Recent Life as a Spectator

In the past week, I watched my girls struggle to do yoga, watched my boys beat our major competitor on the basketball court and watched my boys and girls attempt/pretend to play futsal within 3 days. I was the official spectator (but also the quiet beaming mother of my uber-game "children". )

But the biggest spectacle in the past week was that absolutely unforgettable-buzzer-beating-one-second-to-go undergoal stab that Doug Kramer made. One word: priceless. I am one of the many authentic and absolute basketball fanatics who almost understands the game and its science (for a girl, that is). And I was in absolute shock, tears were welling -- seriously. I couldn't believe it. And just writing about it makes me sooo kilig. That was by far the second best game I've ever seen live -- next to that game when Gec Gec Chia's shot gave Ateneo a win, beating UE for the 2nd time and sending them to the finals again (to win it eventually). Shit.

Anyway, other than the biggest sporting event in the Philippines which was only 2 hours of one day the past week, I pretty much watched my life pass me by again. Its sad. I think I've been slacking off on feeding my mind, body and soul lately. I'll be home alone for the whole week, which makes me a little worried to be left alone with my thoughts...but also that I will probably end up doing nothing and not feel it...I just think I waste so much time doing, thinking and feeling nothing, and if I don't wake myself up, it'll be another 5 years that I waste.

But what will get my ass moving and moving consistently anyway? I really have no idea.

I've almost given up on my newly appointed victim who is not showing any effort to want to "meet up" again. Very cordial and friendly and witty, but -- NOTHING. I'm kind of glad to feel this kind of "hurt" and annoyance, because at least its a feeling. I've been a bit worried that I might not know how to feel anymore. I'm a master at avoidance. -- okay, he just logged off and I didn't hear a peep. I'm officially trully hurt. This is a sinigang moment. MI! WHERE ARE YOU????????!!!! I NEED YOU!

And tomake things worse, I haven't been hanging out with the "right crowd" recently. Nobody really remembers I exist on a daily basis except my mom and him. Thats why its really hard to feel good about myself or to be joyous while avoiding the same shit because I realize now, that I no longer enjoy being alone as much as I used to and it seems to me, that he's the only one who cares to accompany me in my existence in this world (who's in the same country as me ha!).

Yun lang, okay, I'm officially sad na. Stupid jerk victim di kasi ako pinapansin. Hmph.

Just Rambling

So I just came from a short trip up north with my mom. It was purely for her. I think she enjoyed herself...which was the goal. In my mind, how I felt about the trip had no bearing because it was all about her. At first it was really okay. Then the small things started to bother me...and then I'd tell myself to stop being mean. So I did. I was there for 2 days and I got homesick...WEIRD! I suppose it was a little of boredom + cabin fever that really made me want to head straight home.

She was the nicest though, and now that I'm recounting it, I feel bad about my thoughts when it was happening. My mom is such a great person, she is selfless, sensitive, giving and just plain perky...well, most of the time (and except with the driver who experiences her wrath on a daily basis). Other than that, she is the nicest really and I am ashamed of all my evil thoughts, so i will really try to behave now.

I met up with a college batchmate who's based up north. He treated me and my mom to lunch before we left for Manila. It was sooo nice to see him. His dad was in their resto too and I discocvered a really nice side to him...a kind hearted responsible son and brother, who is just as funny but now so mature. He sent nothing but good vibes to me and my mom. All the more I realized I needed to be a better daughter.

So I'm back in the office and the big boss is still here! He's really cramping my style man. But things are so bad I guess, that he really has to be here and make sure things get done.

I was 30 minutes early fo rwork today...I haven't been early, no or time in a loooong looong time. I worked out today and started drinking water. I haven't had a drop of Coke in 18 hours! (but that will end soon, as I just bought myself my office supply of Coke). I'm hoping to continue my good habits no matter how trivial.

I worked on household finances last night and realized I don't really have much to spare, just enough to stay afloat. So back to penny-pinching.I had my houseguest over again -- it was a short stop over and with no agenda. 30 minutes of eating, chatting with mother and discussing weightloss tips. I'm thinking now, if I have broken my promise to myself and slowly letting SSDD creep back into my life? Is this what's happening? I certainly hope not. I am still very aware of my limitations and still struggle to find myself and my place in this world. But I'm afraid to disappoint myself, and my cheerleader...please God, help me...

Its another week and its another opportunity to stalk my new victim...(5 seconds later)...i just did...i texted him! Its allowed now, since its been a week since we last communicated. If I get nothing out of this initiative...I'LL TRY AGAIN NEXT WEEK! WHAHAHAHA! never under-estimate the persistence of a bonafide stalker...that's me :)

PS -- he replied!!! There is hope! heeeheeeeheeeheeeheeee...And please allow me to put all the meaning and malice in the world! he called me dear agian...haaaaaaay. Yun lang.

Climate Changes

Yesterday's office drama is over -- or at least on hold. It was such an intense day. Yesterday, somebody was absolutely humiliated in front of a group of Managers including myself. Our big boss (who we fondly call 'god'), went absolutely ballistic. He was scary. He demanded a written explanation from a Supervisor, explaining why he should keep his job, and if deemed acceptable, wouldn't have to pack his things and go home today.

He's still here today. I hope he keeps his job. He's a hard worker, but really needs a good leader. His boss is airhead so i don't know how long he'll last...

Today's story is different though. Had a smoke with 'god' early today, and all was rosey and peachy. It's sale day too, so everybody's fussing over the event. Me? I'm sitting on my wide ass, writing my blog. I have this convenient excuse that it's buying season. Well, I actually do have things to do, but not as overflowing as others.

What a difference a day makes.

I had dinner with a friend a couple of nights ago...my ex-Wednesday habit, until he became busy with his girlfriend and work. It was more lively than usual...I enjoyed 10 times more than I used to, and I realized that it was becuase I actually participated in the conversation...having my own inputs and useless kwento, and not just listen the whole time. I realized how boring I must've been before. It must've been like talking to yourself on a mountain top and just hearing echos. Geez.

I am so sensitive to climate changes (literal climate changes). I got sick again after we had dinner because we stayed in a non A/C place and I had just come from the office. Since then, I've been nursing my allergies and colds. I hope I get well within the day. i'm leaving this afternoon with Mommy Dearest and we're headed for Baguio. I will be her official slave for the next 2 days, and doing it with pleasure. She's been such a sport, after everything she's been going through.

I just read my friend's blog...I am quite concerned about his situation...You okay hani? I'll see you next week okay?

Deep Shit

I, and the rest of my fellow employees are in deep shit...I don't really know if its a real problem or a system glitch or a possible scapegoat for even bigger events that will transpire. I have come to realize that you never really know what's going on. There's always a sub plot in this office and I have chosen to just go with the flow...ride the wave. Otherwise, I'll really go nuts!

I haven't worked in months, like I've worked in the past 2 weeks. I realized that my brain is getting quite rusty. But it's okay, i know its very salvagable...just needs more practice. I also did realize (modesty aside), that even with a rusty brain, I'm quite efficient. Budget setting came and went and I finished in a jiffy...what's wrong with me -- or should I ask, what's wrong with my budget? How come I finished so fast?

I'm just thankful that unlike my other co-workers, I can get away with murder. I don't get ad-hoc responsibilites unless it's completely and solely related to my brand (as there would be no other choice than assign it to me). Being the cash-cow really has its benefits -- they tend to back off and think they can't bother me...if they only knew...almost everything is spoonfed. I think if I ever decide to leave this Company, I'd have a problem adjusting to normal work pace and load...I'M in deep shit!

Good News for the Day:
I have officially appointed myself my mom's financial adviser. I accomplished a big feat today...I made her a decent amount of money without lifting a finger. I ofcourse will be managing her money from now on...including the household and our expenses...it should be good practice for when I get married (THINK POSITIVE! KULANG NALANG ASAWA!)

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue

The past few days have been a mix of new and old shit...and I realized that its not so bad that way.
OLD
It was the first Friday in sooo long that I allowed SSDD to visit me.It was new in a way, because we got to talk calmly and soberly, what's been happening to our friendship...where its headed etc..I suppose I owed him a few explanantions as to why I made a 180 on him. It ended quite well. He is actually also detaching from me slowly as well -- still lingering, but not as ever-present as before.

NEW
As mentioned previously, I hooked up with a old friend who is a "new" person now -- he changed a bit, lifestyle-wise. He has now come down to my level (he now drinks and smokes). And the sparks are still there! I get the feeling the sparks are all just coming from me...I think about him a lot and ask why? He so does not fit my typical crush profile. But I felt this energy since college, and I still do now. I haven't felt this way in a while, so I'm liking it...its fun! I tried once to create a good situation for myself...to no avail. But I aint stopping! I'm not referred to as a stalker for nothing (enter song: Why waste your time, you know you're gonna be mine! you know you're gonna be mine!) -- haha, hope springs eternal. Good luck to me!

BORROWED
Another Department in my office "borrowed" my staff -- 8 of them, to do their work. They're working on a tight deadline and really need our support...thing is, I agreed to lend my staff, as long as they give clear instructions on what they need and when they need it...they are so inefficient that I had to be the one to call and coordinate last night because this genius woman forgot to tell them they needed them in the office by early today! To add to my having to be the one to call and give instructions last night, they make my staff wait for 2 hours DOING NOTHING! I'm fuming as I type this. But it is so not worth it, so I'm moving on ...

BLUE
My team suffered their second loss in 12 outings...still leading so I'm not so blue. Still first place and waiting for the outcome of the playoffs for 3rd and 4th. The clawed back from a 23 point deficit and cut it to 1 point...it was a great performance from the star forward, too bad it wasn't enough. But the oponent had to win at some point...they had just come from a 2 consecutive losses. Better 2 win now, than later on when it really matters. So I'm not sad and blue! (Go blue!)


I'm going out of town with Mother Earth this weekend. She's treating herself to a well-deserved and long-overdue holiday. It's really unfortunate that she has to spend it with me...simply because I think, 2 is lonely (for mother and daughter), but since she has managed to lose touch with her colleagues and no bufra, then I guess it's just me! I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm meeting up with a batchmate based in that area -- who I haven't seen in maybe 5 years...so that's another thing to look forward to.

The past few days (outside the office -- coz work has been hell) have been nice, shallow and brainless.I took a 10-minute break from forecasting my budget to oggle at half naked men in a magazine and chatting up a storm with co-workers. I watched The Biggest Loser, which is my all-time favorite reality show and 2nd favorite, Skating with Celebrities last night. Nice. Shallow. Brainless :)

18 in 1

Been away for a while...in the past 18 days, I managed to get sick, take a short trip to Vietnam, get sick again, get my car back (after 4months in the shop), be on call for visiting friends, go target shooting with my dad and siblings, watch a basketball game live, work, bump into/ pretend not to see someone I used to date who ended up hating me, attend a despedida, work, get sick again and catch up with an old friend/crush...not so bad on paper...in fact...not so bad 18 days.

On a day to day account, my activities have been evenly distributed among work, family and fun, so all in all, its been okay, except for the rather frequent bouts with allergies and migraine attacks...I nursed the mother of all migraines last week...it was not fun. I actually thought there was something seriously wrong with my head. Thankfully, the doctor said, I'm fine but I'll just have to deal with my migraines for the rest of my life. At least now, I know how to nip it in the bud.

SSDD's presence in my life has been continuously tempered too. I didn't say goodbye before I left for Ho Chi Minh and he was surprised to find out I was out of the country. It felt good to realize -- yes, you do have a life outside of him and it felt even better to make him realize that too. I couldn't avoid him for very long though, as he paid me a visit the day after I arrived. But it was nice and normal. I realized after a week had passed though, that he still hadn't gotten over the being-together-on-weekends routine, as he demanded for my whereabouts last Friday and insisted that I go home immediately so we could hang out -- that didn't happen. Good for me! I just found myself missing him a little a few days ago. He's really not evil, in fact he has a kind heart, but unfortunately brings with him so much baggage = nothing but trouble. So again, this move is good.

I saw him 2 nights ago. He visited me again and I asked how he was, and for him, it's the same shit, different day too. I asked if it was SSDD in a good way, and he replied -- it never is good. When was it ever?

It was really quite sad to hear a dear friend say that, and not being able to help. But again, that is something only he can deal with, when he finally decides to do somethig about it.

My semi good news for the day is, a former schoolmate/ crush of mine called and we had a couple of drinks last night. i couldn't figure out at first if it was a date or just friends hanging out. So I decided that I would consider it a date...just for the kilig factor. It was okay, I had fun (despite the nasty cold I had). While I think it should really just fall under the "old friends catching up" category, I am still telling myself it was a "date" -- again, for the kilig factor -- doesn't hurt anyone anyway :)

My friend's wife gave birth. A buddy officially hooked up with someone. My batchmate's mom passed away. It's my dad's birthday today. I'm still not feeling 100% well. My girlfriend is almost officially over her "bad habit". My US-based friend is still miserable. My mom will have a different job next week -- hence we will lose our dearest Wynona. Wiggy is in his best behavior...didn't realize how much I missed him. Looking forward to better days and more good news for me and everybody I care for.