On Staying the Course, Paranoia and Great Escapes

When I started to chronicle my thoughts and feelings I had only one motivation, inspired by only one catalyst. Only on my 3rd entry and 5th day trying, did I feel the sting that wasn’t there when I was so driven to achieve my goal. Its not easy to turn your back on something or someone you have made a part of your routine – because, well, it’s home.

I got side tracked for a few days because of work – apparently, I actually do work! For a while there, I thought I was getting paid to take off from the office and hit the nearest mall to hang out and charge my transportation. I haven’t been using my left brain for a while, so I had to scrape off all the rust and get back on track.

I studied so much for a meeting with the MD, GM & FC that I felt like I was going to Philo orals again – only this time, I actually did understand what I was studying and simply not memorizing!

In between that, I forced a friend into scoring me tickets to a bunch of basketball games. Despite my being the “bad luck girl” this year (with my Samba Boys losing – and not even making the semis, and Red Bull finishing second), I feel I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t show my support to my all time favorite team in my all time favorite league of my all-time favorite sport.

I also entertained my perennial houseguest (a contributing factor to my SSDD feelings) with the same level of hosting/spoiling. This is something we have both become accustomed to through the years and in my effort to make my quest a personally convincing decision…I really wanted to do it on my own…unwavering, despite all the distractions and temptations. I succeeded that night, as I actually declined an invitation to catch a foreign concert for free. It was not easy. That was another first for me. But hey, it was a big step to self-actualization! J

As it turned out though, I was worrying about my “Philo Orals” for nothing. All that studying was totally unnecessary. I already knew the things I needed to know, without having to put in all the time I did. All that paranoia for nothing. But I am so glad it’s over. I can get back to my real life now.

I played pool for the first time. Needless to say, my pointing, hitting and shooting skills were nothing to brag about. It was nice of my buds to get make sure I was out of the house on a Friday night. My usual TGIF happy hour work buddies are out of the country so I found myself available right after work. I really wanted to break the cycle of having the “houseguest” over on post-happy hour Friday night, so I did something for the first time! I find that I like doing things for the first time J I used to have a list of 25 things to do before I die (I have to edit the list though, since watching Michael Jordan play live is out of the question).

So I got this message last night, after I successfully avoided the houseguest. What is it supposed to mean, when everything pointed out in this message (for me) is referring to only one person and my life, also the sender of the message? Is it an apology? Or, wala lang?

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll fight with your best friend, you’ll blame a new love for things an old one did, you’ll cry because time passing too fast and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

We had a spat last Tuesday. It was a screaming match, but I was not the one attacking. There had been a series of apologies after that, and they were actually not necessary – just an eye opener on my part. Made me stick by my decision even more. But I suppose my continuing to be cordial and accommodating did not mask the fact that I actually was leaving some distance between us since then.
Today is yet another test. It is a Saturday. Its our day (well, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays are our days really….). But it is the first one since the big decision. I am catching a matinee dance show with a friend – another first. Tonight, is another story. We’ll see again.

Boy am I anxious to meet someone new. My world and the people around it has not changed much in years. That can’t be good right? I see people who made a total 180 degree, I see people who have kept their past and have added to their present…me? Its still the same shit. Im working on the activities category, but I also want to add to the people category – to gain 1 new, true friend every month or 2…and hopefully someone I can be more than friends with, will surface. Is that even possible at this age?