So Is Motherhood All There is To It?

Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that I am infanticipating. I suppose I was just caught a little off guard. Conceiving 6 months before we said we’d be ready is still 6 months ahead. The struggle to ditch my nicotine addiction is proving to be harder than I thought. The weight gain is also making me feel less and less attractive. Many have said that I there is a certain glow about me…and that I’m probably going to have a girl – but I still feel unattractive. The thought of becoming my mom is totally freaking me out. She’s the biggest in her clan…so…it’ll be an uphill climb to battle against this “predisposed” obesity. Holy mother of God.

Then there are the “experts”—friends who are mothers may times over who talk about nothing but pregnancy, kids, motherhood all the joy and brings and what not…well, its freaking me out as well. Could it be, that I will be as one-dimensional as them? That all that I am and all that I have are my kids? No fricking way. I believe I am waaaay too interesting to get lost in the baby madness.

And maybe it’s not even a real fear of the challenges of motherhood…but the fear of becoming like someone who well…disgusts you. What’s wrong with me? Am I being too anti-mush? I’m really not feeling all the fussing about the baby to the point of obsession. Life goes on…business as usual…until baby O pops…then life changes a whole lot, becomes 1000 times more meaningful, but still, there is me. Just as I was, 9 months before I popped. 34 years ago, when I was born…I will not disappear behind the triumphs and tribulations of motherhood and my blessing of a baby – I too was a blessing of a baby.

So I will NOT be one of those people who turn their living room into a play pen. There is a place for everything. My hubby and I consider our bedroom as a haven of peace. I should always keep in mind how he values his tranquility time in our bedroom – ergo, kids will only sleep over when they are invited. Otherwise, they should stay in their equally pimped out rooms.

That’s all for now…until the next rant.

DISCLAIMER: I would like to clarify something to my baby though. You are such a blessing. Having you culminates this journey called being a complete woman…but baby, mommy is as fabulous as you, so let’s be fabulous together okay? – if you’re a girl. If you’re a boy…well, fabulous may not be the perfect term for you then, but something synonymous yet a little more masculine 
You really don’t want a boring mom. Good thing you have me! I promise not to obsess over you…I will care deeply, but will try not to hover and ogle. Daddy won’t either, because he’s super cool too!

I'm Going to Marry a Drama Queen

I am going to marry a drama queen.

Oh, yeah! I', getting married! It's been so long since my last post that I failed to say that after a 7 year drought, I got myself a man -- or did I?

He looks like a thug. I like them that way. But my goodness, he is such a drama queen! I suppose we are a perfect match, since I have cohones myself...figuratively of course. I am the "man" and he is the girl.

We just had a talk a few minutes ago. One of the rare dry-eyed heart to hearts we've had. I just realized though, that I have not made him cry ever...other things make him cry...other people..but not me. Is that a bad thing?


Anyway, back to my big black drama queen. I just informed him today, that I am not the head of the house...he is. He was taken aback a little bit. I suppose because he is a drama queen trapped in a little boy's head. Does that make sense at all? I mean, he thinks he hasn't grown up. Acts like he's not mature (and I mean in years....reeeeeallly mature). And he is sooooooooo madrama I swear!

Everything affects him. I was hospitalized for a week a few months ago and had a bit of a scare. They found something in my lung. I am a heavy smoker. What did I do? I spent 1 night tossing and turning and saw a pulmonologist who said...its nothing. It's too small to matter.

I had to see several doctors that time, an OB an onchologist and the pulmonologist. Who was with me? No one. I was alone. Did my then drama queen boyfriend offer to accompany me? No. Why? I do not put a lot of hype on these things. Healthy until proven unhealthy. Although at the back of my head, I was thinkg -- duh, aren't you even going to offer to accompany me? But then again, I didn't really need him to miss a day at work for that. So it was absolutely fine.

But him? Now? Haaaay. Baby. Super. Terrible.

Grow up my dear. We have a lifetime ahead of us. And I can assure you, there will be tougher problems.

Of course, my issues with him were outwieghed by his dramatics. I was just telling him how he needed to step up in planning with me -- house building etc..etc..and we end up with his "condition".

In my book. He has is recovering. He will be well. I also need him to really believe that. Because I need him to be a man!

I just want to get it over and done with

I just want to be happy now. I just want to deal with this. I OFFICIALLY want it to go away. I'm being irrational and unreasonable. I'm being so mean. But I want to be pursued. I want to be asked. I want to be begged. I just want to be asked. Then finally, I can say the God's honest truth...You are too much. You need not exaggerate. When you're sick, THE WORLD DOESN'T NECESSARILY REVOLVE AROUND YOU...you're just not feeling well. AND, you may not be the only one. You have to observe and get over yourself. If not, start taking care of yourself, because the stories are getting OLD.

You MUST not only care for me, but all my extensions...my mom, my dad, my siblings, my friends...they are all part of ME and the courtesy doesn't end with me. Why don't you get that?

Why?

Am I encouraging myself to feel this way? To continue to be irrationally pissed? Why am I sad? I feel really sad. I feel alone. I feel empty. He's not with me. I've been pushing him away. I need to sort things out. I keep waiting for the right time...then I forget and then all the pent up emotions pile up into one big ball of fury in the guise of hormonal imbalance. Possible. Am I making it an excuse for my unreasonable crankiness? Perhaps. Its not the first time I find myself wanting to change sooooo many things and I realize I NEVER EVER can. Ever. I can inspire it, but I can't change someone. They have to do it on their own.

You know what...fuck this, I just need to get laid.

Whatever

In fairness...may effort. Dalwang effort. Yun lang. When I'm in the mood...I'm really in the mood. When I want to pick on someone, I can do it to death.

I am still pissed for no reason. Sick daw. Eh di sick. Everyday naman sick eh, so what else is new right? I have a toothache...its major...my gums are swollen and I'm having a hard time eating and talking. I've had a cough for weeks. I have migraines every other day. I have high blood pressure, but am i being a difficult baby about it? No. Why? I can't. Because some other baby is sick...whatever it is, its worse than my condition. Fine. Nurse kung nurse. But hindi ako nag-nursing. Wala akong balak maging nurse for life, for sicknesses that are preventable. Pucha. Kailangan bang exagg lagi?

Ah basta, Bahala siya. At bahala ako sa buhay ko. I will take care of myself, since nobody but my aging mom and dad are interested in my health anyway. Di bale, ako nalang.

New happening? Meron din, even just the tiniest uneventful news..a new phone, a conversation with a friend, a movie with the girls, an endless exchange of emails among friends, well, those who care, at the very least...I'm trying to get my old life back...because someone elses's life is taking over mine. I always take the back seat. My siblings aren't as important as his. My mom is not important at all. I have to impose. And i really really impose...always an imposition. Because it never comes naturally. And I hate imposing...its just that I want to protect an image, not my own. Its all about him.

His aches & pains, his frustrations, his work, his play-time, his raket...He's too tired, too busy, too everything!!! Whatever! I am too everything too. Whatever.

I'm going to watch my movie and enjoy my phone tonight. Whatever.

Wetty-wet is dry..Dry...DRY

This blog’s been inactive for a looooong time. I’m really glad I don’t have the same issues as I did then. But I’d have to say…I don’t think my blogger name even suits me anymore. So many things have changed. It feels like I did a 180. Wettywet, is no longer wet. I am now officially loved, but under-sexed. I was getting way more sex when I was single than now that I am attached. I’m not even fucking married yet…plus no kids and already a drought…WHAT IS UP WITH THAAAAAAAT?????

I’m not complaining…well, actually, I am. I need it. I’ve said that I need it regularly. I’ve said it twice. Do I have to beg? What is this world coming to?

I used to be seduced...wanted...but now...I pretty much beg. And get nothing, still

Don't Wake Me Up...Ever

I just don’t feel like being alive these days. I just don’t want to be me. I don’t want to be anybody else either. I just don’t want to BE. I have no reason. I wish I could just sleep and never wake up. I don’t want to be alive. I just don’t care about anything or anyone. I DON’T CARE. It’s all about me and I just don’t give a shit.

I am spent. I am tired of waiting for the right time. Now is MY time. It’s all about me. And I have to care about how others will feel? I don’t give a flying fuck. I feel terrible. Just terrible. Don’t ask me why, because even I don’t know. See me ignore you. Watch me. I think I have it in me. Because at some point, it has got to be MY turn. That time is now.

I can go through the motions. The social obligations. With ease. I can put up a front. A good one. One would never be able to tell. But there is something wrong. Don’t ask me what it is, because I don’t know.

I hate clutter. I can’t stand it. Too many things attached to you, literally and figuratively. I say, simplify your life. What is up with all those thingamajigs that you don’t really need? Simplify. SIMPLIFY.

Too much baggage. Way too much. Let it go. You expend so much energy on unnecessary things that you leave NOTHING for me. NOTHING. I have to pick up the crumbs and put them all back on the bread. I end up running around the place, picking up all the teeny tiny pieces.

I'm sick of it. Why don't YOU pick up my crumbs...IF I wake up tomorrow. I hate my life. It sucks to be me.

March 7 is Liberation Day, 1 Day Before Women's Day

Its official. Same shit is no more. I'll have all sorts of different shit now as I am FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!

It happened last week. My co-worker snapped me out of my 14 year dream/nightmare. I wrote him a nice goodbye email that was neither bitter no accusing. Just a simple thank you for everything and goodbye.

I needed to do it. I also erased him from all our virtual links...I felt a bit grade school doing it, but my objective was to cut and cut clean. Cold Turkey.

I have yet to feel the longing and missing part. Theres a tinge of sadness, but I haven't gone all out. I'm hoping I'll skip it altogether. This is a good thing after all. A big loss, making room for an even bigger gain.

This is THE year that I decided that i am taking over my life, and I will not just let my life happen to me. Wow! Just help me get through the occassional blues, because already, with this simple but tough move, I've stopped hurting 3 people.

How to Make Me Go Nuts: (shallow edition)

I have a few things that really tick me off...I mean these things can just set me off and God knows what I say or do to the people around me:

1. The heat: Heat = Sweat. I don't like the heat because it makes me sweat profusely. Not a pretty sight.
2. The absence of Coke Light: is is really more of a panic situation. I cannot survive with no Coke Light and drinking too much water makes me want to puke.
3. People talking to me when I'm on the phone talking to someone else: I think that's just plain rude and inconsiderate; my mother does that to me all the time and I can't really snap at her can I?
4. Too much noise: noisy cars - you know, those lowered cars with loud mufflers and even tricycles, people who drag their feet, noisy crass women who talk to each other as if they're a mile apart (and men for that matter), static on the radio...I think i am most sensitive to noise pollution than any other form of pollution...it absolutely bugs me
5. People who call me stupid or any synonymous word: only I can call myself that...the reason is too long, too old and too painful to explain. So that's just that. (I'm just like George and Marty McFly when somebody calls him Chicken :) -- i do "stupid" things)
6. People who over-analyze (especially if they're over analyzing themselves! -- self centered!): My mom does this when we I share stories with her...she will ask 60M questions as if she can analyze and solve everything...I get tired having to listen to the unnecessary over-analysis...but my frined is way worse than my mom...my friend over analyzes HERSLEF ALL THE TIME. This is what I'd like to say a little more about...

A good friend of mine is experiencing something exciting in her life for the first time in years. She is happy and giddy. Good for her! I was there ...rather, am there every step of the way...to support her. I like hearing her stories, and I know she NEEDS to share the events in her life...so mostly, I am doing the extended listening and repeat the same opinion and advice over and over again, for her and her sanity. But in doing this, I fear that I am losing mine.

As my other friend calls it, she is an EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE.

It is starting to annoy me that she cannot pay attention to anyone who is nottalking about her. Her head wanders off and completely blocks off what you're saying...unless ofcourse you're talking about her. And she demands a lot of your time! ...Hay naku!

I wrote about 5 paragraphs before this and I erased them...i was a bit embarrassed by my rage. Each sentence was filled with disgust over this friend of mine who I feel is just too self absorbed sometimes -- and its the in-your-face kind of way...anyway. I realized...that is why I am here really. As a friend, I will put up with ALL HER SHIT (and that's a lot of shit I will be putting up with, as she hasn't stopped in 3 weeks -- and its a daily supply of shit man). However, I will no longer tolerate too much ka-feelingan - its just plain annoying and not a very nice characteristic of hers -- we will try to correct that for her in time, but for now, I will listen...as she overanalyzes her life and the recent events to death. I hope she analyze it to death so it can just die naturally...there's just no stopping this woman...I'm gonna totally flip out.

Boy did somebody drop a bomb on me today...Now i can confirm really, that for me, Ignorance is bliss...even if my closest friends may not think I so, I really think and think and think a lot...I think most of my waking time, lethargic as I may be, is really spent on thinking. That's my main activity. Thinking about life...my life...its meaning...etc..etc..etc...

So this bomb that was just dropped on me...is going to make me think some more!!! How would you react if you heard that an "ex" or someone you used to go out with said "you're not girlfirend/boyfriend material" and you have to imagine that you really haven't had a relationship in years, so this would be a very touchy topic...more than get pissed at the person who said...you'd really end up thinking...is that true? Am I really not? It could be true...although I know I could be...but what if that's true???

And all your cheerleaders (AKA friends) will tell you -- "Ofcourse not! He/she's not exactly boyrfiend girlfirend material either! You're a nice person! What does he/she know?" -- But what does he know really...

Honestly, he may be on to something there...and I, in the pursuit of eternal happiness and self actualization want to know -- why so? tell me why because I want to know. I want to improve...but not for the evil bastard who can't get over himself and is just so disrespectful to women that he talks about his sex life with an ex who is not unknown to a group he had just met --I want to know so I can present myself more properly to the world of non-Satans (so that excludes you, you feeling-all-that-just-because-you-lost-all-this-weight-but-still-have-stretchmarks-allover-can't-hold-your-load-and-has-the tiniest-%&^(@#&#($-ever!!!)

Okay, pardon the immature outburst...I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. But I was hurt, not by what he thought of me, but hurt by the fact that he wasn't man enough to keep it to himself -- or tell me straight even. Boy Abunda, is that you? I actually thought we were friends...even if it didn't work out.