A New Year, A New Beginning

It was a good year, with a not-so-good ending.

The blues that I miraculously avoided on my birthday came crashing head-on on New Year's Eve. It was the lowest I've ever felt in years...that had no connection to my dad or boys!

My night didn't quite go as i planned, and as I had been so wanting and ready for it to go...but to no fault of anyone. So I ended up staying in...alone...with my thoughts...oh boy!

I remember writing an entry before about needing people...I did...and I do...but a few days ago, on New Year's Eve, I felt so bad because I got the feeling that nobody really needed me...or at least wanted to be with me / around me / be in my presence. Everybody has one or a few of those people you just like being/have to/need to be around...and apparently, I was that -- to nobody. Isn't that just the saddest thing? Or at least, that's how I felt.

Man, buckets and buckets and buckets of tears came rolling down my cheeks. I cried like a baby, drowing in my own sea of self pity (and I intended to wade in that sea until I really figured out what rock's up my ass -- nasan and bara ng universe ko? Well, SSDD's been out of the picture for a while now, so maybe I am my own bara).

Stupid me though, thought I'd figure out by a certain time, so that I could be ready to face the kids (my beloved siblings who I haven't seen in weeks). But I just couldn't...but what was I thinking anyway...I realized that unlike my many successful New Year's resolution mental action plans...this one couldn't be rushed...i couldn't set a time deadline on defining exactly what I was feeling and how to help myself...

So i wallowed in depression. I finished the book I was reading (which made me even more contemplative and lost). I decided to write down how i felt...what i thought about myself...what I thought I should do...these things used to work with me when I set a personal goal -- i ususally achieve them...but this time, it wasn't working. I simply had to be alone, with my thoughts...not writing anything down...not rationalizing and suggesting quick solutions, just being right smack in the middle of my being lost...

I realized something the day before and the day of my best friend's wedding...that I was very very happy to be of service to her. My existence, at least for those few days, was to make her life easier. Those days, I was happy. I was good for something to someone -- well, they were very busy days, but happily busy. And the difference between those 2 days and the rest of my days is -- I was able to help someone other than myself. Those days, I was needed and I was able to help.

So now, 30 years later, I realize that apparently, I don't exist only to achieve my personal goals and cater to my personal whims...(I am acutally getting enlightened as I type this)...So now, after recognizing what rock's up my ass...what do I do?

So this is a new year...a new beginning. I wrote down 11 things in my 2007 list of things to do...i will probably do 10 out of 11 (because only 10 are within my control) ...but what will I do with my new realization? God help me. I leave it all to You.

Happy New Year!

PS
I guess its pretty useless now, given my very important realizations to say I went on a date -- a few days ago...ok lang. He is many things to many people. And he has just so many interests that make him a very interesting person. I'd like to be like him in that sense. But I also wish him security and being comfortable in his own skin, without all the superficial trappings in life and thinking that who he is is what he does and who he knows. But a very nice guy...cheers to him!